So messed up!

Have you ever experienced not being able to find something you've been looking for for God-knows-what when you really need it, and be able to see it when you don't? Strange, but it happens to me all the time. For months I've been searching for something I thought would make me happy, something I yearned for for a long time, something that I believe would make me sane again. And when I'm almost there, about to break the finish line, it got lost and everything that I thought worked out smoothly, suddenly and unexpectedly got messed up. Kaboom!

Then I thought the end of 1st SEM would be a good opportunity to catch things up with people, meet new people and friends, and just enjoy the temporary liberty I have from school. But I didn't expect things to get so chaotic, even to the risk of changing who I am. I'm in such a mess, I'm such a mess.

More so, there are some things and issues I have to resolve:

ISSUE #1: For you who's asking who I wrote the "ok" entry for, yes it's for you. You still haven't answered my question though. Why just now? Actually, it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? And maybe I don't want to know anymore. I guess you have your own life now, going the way you want. I have yet to start mine. Whatever it is I said that came unexpected to you, I'm sorry. Even I didn't expect it coming. But for everything else, thank you and you will forever be someone special to me.

ISSUE #2: For you who (how do I put this) was there for me the other night, thank you. Please don't get me wrong. But what was that? Did they also ask you to do it to me, like what they told ISSUE #3 to do? I just need answers. We're still friends, don't worry. 

ISSUE #3: For you who I was with at our End of Sem Partey, we need to talk. I admit, I mess up all the time. But this is not something I want to end up into shambles. Believe me, hell no. That night (2 nights ago) didn't exactly go our way. Well, at least the other night (End of Sem Partey Night) did. And that's what I want to remember and work out, not the very recent night. So please, if ever, just in case, you'll be able to read this, call me. Well at least have the guts to talk to me and tell me what that was about--why you showed up, why so much care when you don't have to, why that unexpected happening. I want to know, I need to know, and I deserve to know. So I don't end up thinking and worrying and dragging other people into this mess. I've changed. And I'm not the modern Maria Clara anymore or so people thought I am. As a very dear friend of mine said, I have to talk to you and clear things up. I tried. But you didn't give me a chance, well as of press time. For whatever it is I said that early morning, for being "rude", I'm really sorry. Or whatever it is that you saw or implied, it's not what you think it was. I just hope to talk to you soon. I can't just ignore this, because clearly, you got pissed off and now do not even return my messages.